Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Process to Health

I'm a slow processor.
And I kinda like to have stuff figured out before I start sharing about it. Not this time, I'm learning that sometimes it's good to share before I have the end result.
So, this is me sharing my not quite 'there' health process.

Before I go on,  I want to say that I have always been a big believer in "it's what's on the inside that counts" and "there is beauty in all shapes and sizes". That's not what today is about though. As much as those things are true, they didn't change how uncomfortable it was to be physically overweight. So, if you're reading this, please know my heart is for me to be physically healthy.

The health of my body got out of control.

I could blame having children, after all, it was when I was pregnant with Eli that I went totally nuts in the eating department. I won't though. The truth is, I wasn't prepared to live a body healthy life. What on earth does that mean? 
It means I was prepared to live a spiritually healthy life and a soulfully healthy life but the fact that my body was in decent shape was just pretty much by chance. As soon as my choices were put to the test (yes, when I was preggers), I just made one bad choice after another. Pretty soon I didn't really care at all and ate whatever I craved.
The moment I cared was when I had given birth to my adorable baby boy and no longer had a beautiful baby belly to take the focus. I cared about how my body looked and felt then quickly did something about the 60lbs I had gained. Then the yo yo game started. I would get motivated and make good choices when I would notice that my body wasn't looking and feeling the way I wanted it to and go on some kinda crash diet (all the while calling it a lifestyle change).
I often found when I was on the diets, I felt physically better even before I had lost the weight. I noticed the energy, how my tummy responded to food and even how clear my head felt. That wasn't enough for me to make changes that would stick though.
It took quite a while but eventually I looked in the mirror and said it.

"I hate you body."

Right now is probably a good time to say that this post wasn't easy to write. Feeling this way was shameful. I knew it was wrong. I just couldn't help it. I couldn't figure out how to love this body that was making me so uncomfortable. 
At that point I couldn't even figure out which crash diet to try next in order to lose the pounds I so desperately wanted to. I tried so very hard to think long term and would make changes in that mindset but they just wouldn't' stick and while I was "on track" it felt like all I could think about was the food I couldn't have and how much I wanted it. I spent time telling myself things like "do you want ice cream or to feel good?" The choice should be easy but it almost never was.
 I tried stuff like ...
no sugar
no wheat
no dairy
no processed foods
calorie counting
you get it....but shortly after committing to it I would have a craving I just simply didn't feel like denying and there I was....right back into eating junk. To be honest, it was comforting. I also knew that was wrong.
Most of the time I didn't even feel bad about it. Until I was figuring out what to wear for an event or even church. I am so sad to say this but I have actually not gone to church because of how I felt in my own skin. 
Since I wasn't conquering this body issue I was having, I decided to simply ignore my body. After all, I did feel good about who I was on the inside and loved so many things about life. I thought if I could just ignore my body then I would be happy.
That's what I ended up doing - I ignored the problem. 
 It wasn't just how I looked, it was how my body reacted to certain foods.  Some stuff just doesn't agree with me, like dairy. But was pains in my stomach enough to keep me from eating ice cream when the craving came along (possibly 3 times/week), nope, it wasn't enough. 
I tried positive affirmations and that was pretty good. I began to tell my body nice things like "I love you belly because you gave me my beautiful children" or "I love you legs because you work and you take me places I want to go". It was good but just not enough. 

Finally the day came.

I gave up. 

I just totally and completely knew I could not do this healthy living thing on my own.
This realization felt horrible. 
It made me angry.
It made me ashamed.
It made me disappointed in myself.
It made me desperate to know how other people did it.
Then it made me angry again because I couldn't do it.

Instead of staying with all those feelings that giving up made me feel, I had a very honest conversation with God about all of it. I told Him "I give up, I need you". I may have had some angry outbursts in there somewhere but seriously, I really did tell Him everything.  All my negative thoughts and disappointments.
Then I surrendered my body to Him and asked Him for a lot. 
I asked him to lead me in this journey. 
I even got brave enough to tell Him my hopes and dreams for my body.

That's when it all began.
My baby steps health journey.

God gave me small steps and one by one I incorporated them into my life. Now, 5 months later my daily choices look quite different. Some of the steps are focused on what goes in my body and some are focused on moving my body. Some took weeks to focus on before adding another step and some just days.
I haven't lost all the weight. I actually haven't even weighed myself to see how much weight I have lost. 
My number doesn't matter.

My choices matter.

Since making so many of these changes I no longer hate my body. I'm starting to feel the opposite. I feel like I'm learning what it looks like to love my body.
I'm thinking long term but just taking one day at a time.
Thank you so much for reading about my journey. If you can identify or have thoughts on this, please feel free to share them in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.

Am I leaving you hanging if I don't share the steps that God gave me? ;)
Promise I won't leave you hanging for long. Those details will be my next post! I'm excited to share that with you!
Make sure to "follow by email" so you get notified when I've posted part 2! 
Thanks for reading part 1! 
Much Love!

Follow me on Instagram to see some of the delicious meals I'm enjoying! @healthbysjb


  1. I love this! Can't wait to read be next one.

    1. Thanks Susie! That helps give me the guts I need to post it! haha